Signs of Good bye? Maybe ..Maybe Not

Daddy and Brutus time was always spent on the couch sleeping together .. arm in arm , his head on my husbands arm and shoulder where they were practically nose to nose. Face on face

I used to be so jealous that even though Brutus slept in my bed with me everynight he would never snuggle with me like that ..in my arms. He slept on top of me , beside me pushing me off the bed, on my legs yet he never would sleep in my arms or place his face on mine.

Last night he did.... all night .. he wouldnt let me let him go. He placed his neck in the crease of my elbow every time I moved and I woke up to his nose smushed up against mine. I was afraid I suffocated him. Even though I only got three hours of sleep , I enjoyed and dreaded each minute. I fear that he is trying to tell me something ....I think he readying himself to say good-bye.

How do I say good bye?.. it is tearing me up as I know that Brutus needs to go , that I am keeping him here for my own selfish reasons ..as I am too afraid to let him go.. I am too afraid of my own pain and not thinking of his. I am putting off the enevitable because of fear.. I know all to well that DEAD IS DEAD and there isnt any coming back once he is gone.

I know it's suppose to be a blessing to let him be relieved of his suffering. I have said this to many people and have told myself this when I helped a shelter dog pass over. BUT THIS IS MY BRUTUS...THIS ISNT RIGHT..HE IS SOO YOUNG...

I am afraid of the changes that will happen after he leaves.. THe loneliness even though I still have 2 other dogs who need me too. I fear that my passion for the breed will disappear as he was my driving force behind it. That I wont have the fight in me any more to care about that community and all the drama that comes with it .

I am afraid of the change of not having him in my life. How do I say good bye? I am afraid for him .. I am afriad to end his life. I need to some how find the strength to say good bye in the very near future.....