1 year since you SLIPPED AWAY..The Lessons Keep Coming

                                       If I can stop one heart from breaking,
                                       I shall not live in vain;
                                       If I can ease one life the aching,
                                       Or cool one pain,
                                       Or help one fainting robin
                                       Unto his nest again,
                                        I shall not live in vain.
                                        *Emily Dickinson"



I can not believe that today marks the one year anniversary of my beloved Brutus' passing.
 Brutus came into our lives for a reason and a season. His life and struggles were not in vain. His life was not
without purpose or without positive results.

I  still find myself randomly crying for him and every once in a while I still "smell" him. 
 The day he slipped away was a day that I thought the pain, the heartbreak, the anger, the anguish, the lost of faith and hope would never subside.  Some how as time has bitter sweetly passed, I have found myself being  humbled over  and over again at how blessed I was to even have had this wonderful creature in my life. 

Other the year Brutus' lessons continue to show themselves in very wondrous ways... sometimes in small subtle ways and others like a rock thrown to my forehead. His memory and spirit shines through when really needed the most.

He taught me what being a quiet unassuming warrior is really about., he taught me that through the pain there is forgiveness  unconditional love and soul saving  surrender.  He taught me to stand strong to who I  really am  and who I want to be. Not to accept the "status qou" and question the so called higher  earthbound powers and even question the higher heavenly bound powers. 

He has taught me GRACE AND DIGNITY . 
He taught me how  "That letting go and fully surrendering" is not always such a bad thing.
It is in the manner in which you chose to let go and surrender.  If you do it with grace and dignity all the "other stuff" will either fall in place or fall away.  

He taught me to WALK IN BEAUTY:
That no matter who you are, what your upbringing, your faults or your demons, its your heart's intentions that really only matters.
 Being Pure of Heart, having a quiet mind , a clean conscious is all one really needs to walk that path. Walk in Grace and Beauty every day and all will fall in place or fall away.

One year ago today I lost a very big part of me , but every day I try to live in his memory.
I try to do better, I try to live better, I have let go of so many things that took my time away from him, my family and true circle of friends. So much wasted time trying to be something or someone I wasn't meant to be.  In the end Brutus didn't care , he showed me nothing but unconditional love.

A piece of my heart is missing and will never be whole until we are together again, but until that time comes I will try to continue on in this world living within the Grace, Beauty and Dignity of Brutus' Lessons.

11 months since you left us

Hello my sweetboy..

It has been 11 months today since you left us and even though the pain of losing you has lessened
you are still missed very much and are still in my thoughts everyday.

The other day I went over to see the grand boys and when Brolly opened the door he asked
in his innocent 3 year old curious way "Where is Boo Boo?"... it made me stop in mid step....
and I had to remind him that haven't been with us for some time now and that you  were in the sky sitting on your cloud just waiting for another opportunity to throw down another penny to him, He smiled and ran off to play..... some how that day .. He was thinking of you too....

I miss you Boo and you are not forgotten.

8 months.. He must have seen me struggling

My Dear Sweet Bru…

Brutus at approx 3 months

It has been 8 months since we said good bye and my heart broke.  I thought I would never get over the horrible pain of losing you.

To this day I still carry that pain in my heart and tear up when I think of how brave you were during your battle to live .  I truly believe that you stayed for all long as you could as you knew that I needed you.

I always needed you much more than you ever needed me.  I look back and think of how selfish I was to make you endure such pain. 

These past few months have been really hard without you . When Ms Tonka’s 6 th anniversary of her death came by on April 10^th I thought to myself that time does heal the pain  yet I couldn’t and didn’t even want to entertain the thought of still being with out you in 6 years…

I was missing you so much and still do , but for a while there I couldn’t move forward, I wouldn’t open my heart to any one or anything and  I closed out the world while living in fear of feeling ever again. I only wanted to stay within the high walls that I had built around me. I was having such a hard time letting you truly go.

You must have felt me struggling and  you sent me a sign and a blessing:

On April 23^rd     a new soul came into our lives  and the way he came to us has made me believe 100% that this soul was sent by you. The way it all came about .. I KNOW IT WAS YOU .. you gave me a sign that it is ok to move forward, not to let go but to move forward. I know it was your  big heart  who put  a little puppy that  needed us in our arms.  A puppy that truly needed us  and we truly needed him.

Bishop age 3 months

Strangely this new little one has many of your traits and handsome features.  The one that struck me the most was the spot on his belly .. just like yours.  He seems to be a deep thinker just like you. He has a pink spot in his nose and white chest and white tip on his tail.  I know he is not you but I think a bit of him is from you.

He will never , ever in a million years  take your place .. but he is helping us to remember and honor your life . Honor your life and your lessons by moving forward and trying our best to pass those lessons on to BISHOP BRU JIMENEZ.

I promise to do better with him.  Because of you I KNOW BETTER.. and when you know better ..you ultimately do better.

This time I hope to get it "right" !!!  Remembering your lessons I am sure I will not fail.

*********

Daddy told me the other day that when he was outside with Bishop that  he looked up into the heavens  and with a tear in his eye he whispered  “THANK YOU BUBBA”….. (T’was a big step for your daddy)..I have not seen any joy on your daddys face since you have left us... and this present from you has helped him too .... Even though you are no longer physically with us, your spirit , kindness and lesson seems to live on in some pretty amazing ways.......

Daddy and Bishop

In my dreams

4/17/12
Last night before I feel asleep I asked Brutus to come to me in my dreams.

It was a strange dream where a Blue Jay was fluttering around all over the place but would calm down for us to hold him. By us I mean the grandchildren and my husband.

Then a wolfish german shepherd dog appeared that turned into a black and tan wolf rottiwieler. But the eyes were Brutus’……everything that I felt in my body during the dream told me it was Brutus ..maybe he has taken on a different form or he is telling me he is enjoying his afterlife with these other spirits.. All I know that what ever the dream meant it made me feel good when I woke up and I felt a sense of peace for him and for me. 

So thank you Brutus for visiting me and letting me feel your love again

7 Months -Sweet Sweet Memories

Today marks the 7th month without our Bru Boy physically being in our presence.
He may not be in our physical presence but he is always carried in our hearts.
I still think of my boy often and still tear up from time to time.

This pasted weekend I was doing some spring cleaning and I  came across some old pictures in a box in the closet and  they are pictures of Brutus as a Puppy. One shows  him laying on his Daddy's belly at estimated age of 6 months and others are him hanging out and having a good time with his older Brother Shaft.   

Brutus was such a handsome boy with such "awesome and unusual markings', as I was told by so many people who knew the breed much better than I.

I also found his first Ribbon that he ever won at his very first MFAPBTA show... date 7/172005... I will never forget that day. He held himself in such high esteem and had no problem telling the other dogs who he was and what he was all about.  The judge was James Rogers ( a true dog man of the breed). James loved how Bru was so proud of himself , his nice chest and markings. He kept telling Bru to "Tell em like it is..tell them who you are.. now thats fine Bulldog" ....  He took 3rd place in a ring of about 8 other long time shown dogs. Not bad for his first showing ever......

One things for sure Brutus never had a problem with
"Telling em who HE WAS "....               

Sweet Sweet memories for sure !!!

Remembering my Warrior Brutus- Telling his story

I have always said to TELL ONES STORY SO THAT THIER MEMORY NEVER FADES..

I watched this movie today and it reminded me of my Brutus and his courageous battle with cancer.
It reminded me how he lived his life with such dignity and fierce loyatly. 
He was my WARRIOR!!!

 "Remember"
By Josh Groban

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
For I am all I've done
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me

Remember me
Remember... me

Paw of love ...

Thinking of you today- THE NOTE PAD

I came across an note pad that I had by my bed. It has been there since you before you passed.

I was thumbing through it and found one page some notes that kinda took my breath away...
the notes where of your activity for two days .. Sept 4 and  5, 2011 .

notes verbatim:

9/4/11 Sunday
Rose visited
He barked at the kids outside
Danny says he thinks things are getting worse and its getting bigger.

Rose came to say good bye as she knew it wouldnt be long before Brutus would leave us

9/5/2011
100 mg Gabopentin  50mg rimadyl
10" circ
lower leg and foot 5 1/2 circ
foot swollen
Ate: both morning /night meals ...cookies
played ball outside ran chase after ball with great strength
_________________
Urinated and bowel movement x2
jumped up on couch to sleep
1pm went for front yard walk
got his blie squeeky and jumped into bed.
didnt want to stand up to eat evening meal- hand feeding all (1/2 special moment 1/2 nursing care)

another page obvious written before this one says
Brtuus
Bru-ti-ful
Boo-ya theres my nose

another page  and another unbreathable moment and I am thinking to myself right now that
DAMN IT! DAMN IT ! DAMN IT!!!  I couldnt keep the cancer from hurting you .... you always stood by me when I had bad days and being bi polar I had many... you always protected me but I failed to protect you.

This is what was written on the page.  A song by the Pretenders called "I"ll Stand By You "..
on the page ...in my handwritting ...
I'll stand by you even in your darkest hours
I wont let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Sweet memories of Young Brutus

5 months since Bru slipped away

My dearest Brutus ..

It has been more than 5 months since my boy Brutus passed away .
Life has gone on without him but the great memories are with me always. I still find myself from time to time getting misty eyed and wishing he was here. But the pain of losing him is now a little more bearable. I still find myself clinging to his memories and instead of crying I find myself smiling more and more at the mention of his name.

My 4 year old  grandson Brian always tells me that he "misses Boo- Boo and wishes he  could see him again." He laughs and tells me how Boo-Boo's tail was so funny..and that he misses his tail.  (Brutus' tail was a true tail of fast love thumps and his licks where almost too too much )

Sometimes.......

I tell myself that things are getting better and life is  moving on. I tell myself all the right things.things we all tell each and lies we tell ourselves  so that e can keep moving forward in this life. I tell myself these things so that I can make it  with out my BRU..but sometimes..sometimes

Some times ...
I regress and lay in bed and just cry... even though Brutus' sister has now taken his spot in my bed everynight I still wake up and think I smell him and am reaching for him.  In the wee hours of the morning is when I become the most meloncohly .

Some times....
 the meloncholy comes over me when I am in the car driving my one hour drive from home and the radio starts playing a certain song... the tears flow like rain.   ......

4 months since Brutus Passed away.....

Yesterday was 4 months since my beloved Bru Boy slipped away from me. The pain in my heart is still very raw but it is getting better.  It is getting better because I know that I gave him an awesome home , he was completely &  unconditionally loved for who and what he was  and in the end I did the right thing by him by letting him slip away into peace and away from all the pain he was going through.

Yesterday,  Me and his Sister Ninnie took a long walk in the woods with my one of my closest friends and her handsome boy Maverick.  Maverick  has many of the same traits as Brutus did. Seeing Maverick majestically walk in the woods,  proudly and unapologeticlly showing his  gameness when he heard an animal in the brush. It  made me think of Brutus' strong constitution and zest for life.

Today I  have slight silent tears and not the full on hysterical cries of a few months ago. I now can fondly remember my boy and all the joy he brought into my life.....the sorrow is less and the memories are PURE JOY AND  filled with GRATITUDE......

New Year 2012..this time last year..

Brutus sitting on top of couch afraid of fire works

01-01- 20012   12:05pm
My Dear Sweet boy Brutus,

As the New Year of 2012 rings in with great sounds of fireworks , my heart begins to wonder to last year's ringing in of 2011. I remember that this time last year you cowered next to me and was my shadow companion for hours because my big bad pit bull was afraid of all the noises and big bangs.  I would laugh that  I was protecting you/ keeping you calm and not vice versa. But I loved it and  it was something that became an annual event for us and quite frankly I looked forward to .  It was our special moments.

This time last year...losing you was never even a thought in my mind.

As I sit here on the couch and the clock reaches 12:00 midnight , a great sadness has overcome me. This year the house is quiet even though the celebrations outside are in full force. Daddy is at work and I am sitting here on the couch with my blankie, watching a marathon TV show and I am painfully  here with out my shadow partner. I have walked to the fridge numerous time expecting to see your nose pop up between my legs as if you want to hide in the fridge as you always did. I expected my bathroom buddy sitting on my feet as I sat on the toilet. I am expecting to trip over you as I walk back to the couch because you would practically lean into until we got back to the couch and under the covers.

 All the nosie and commotion does not bother Shaft or Ninnie. They do not need me to comfort them, nor are they acting like they care If I am even in the house. (maybe they are feeling the same way)....

01-01-2012  9:30am
When I went to bed last night your handsome serious face was on mind and my last thoughts before I feel asleep was  DAMN!!.. This time last year...losing you was never even a thought in my mind.

This morning I woke with you on my mind ... even though my heart is heavy and I miss you terribly, I smile a bittersweet smile as I am so thankful to have had those special moments mentioned above with you and thankful that I had you in my life.
 .