Our house is so quiet without him. When Shaft barks theres only one dog barking. Brutus is not there to try to "out do" his barks any more and keep the volley of barks going . Ninnie sniffs constantly for him and at first wasnt eating..
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| about a week before Bru left us ....I know can see what I didnt want to see |
On Wednesday Sept 21st, Brutus came home one last time. He now sits on top of my front entry foyer table for all to see when they come in. He will always be there to greet all that come in. . He sits right next to Ms Tonka. I hope he has found her at the bridge and they are having a great time playing and licking each other.
The days have been a blur and my heart screams
"IT"S NOT RIGHT ..HE SHOULD BE HERE WITH US"!!!
I am still in a state of denial , anger , saddness, shame and numbness.
Denial- as I feel he is just somewhere else and he will be home soon.
Anger- as to why my young 8 year old boy is not here with us. Angry that my prayers for a miracle didnt happen. Angry that my boy had to die from cancer and not of old age.
Sadness- that he is not here physically with us any more. Sad that there was not more "time" to go walking, to "go to the garage" to go out side, to have another night of bed time rituals. Sadness that I couldnt do more for him. Sadness that when our daily rain storms come he is not seeking refuge under my feet. Sadness that life is going to go on with out him.
Shame - that my denial to see how physically bad he truly was and how much he was truly suffering, ashamed that that I let him suffer so long , i only wanted to see hiss love, his bravery , strength to hold on for me and not see his pain....all because I was selfish and I was afraid to let him go.
Numbness- the pain of losing him and him not being here has made me numb. The numbness is not allowing me to let go.Numb to opening my heart up again. The numbness that is not allowing myself to get too too close to Ninnie and Shaft.
I am torn between 1. being glad he's out of pain , at peace and 2. question God why he took him from me at such a young age.
One minute I tell myself that we did what was right for him as he was in pain , pain that until the last few days he did not want us to see, pain that made my strong stoic boy frail and weak. I tell myself that he is no longer in pain and we did "right " by him by letting him go.
Then the next mintue I am crying and missing him terriably. I tell myself that I let him linger too long in such pain. How selfish I was for being in such deep denial and how selfish I was to try cling to him and to keep him here.
Then I pull myself together and tell myself that we gave him peace from all his pain, gave him a good and loving home. That he knew we loved him and that he was the light of our lives. That he knew his purpose was to be our companion and protector.
I am thankful that he came into our lives and that he left willing and quietly with such grace and dignity.
I need to some how pull myself out of this dark space and continue to live with as much honor, grace and dignity as he did . ... to honor his life by living and remembering all the good times and how much love and happiness he brought into our lives and the lives of many others.
RIP my sweet boy....
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| GOOD DAY AT THE PARK |
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