9:15 AM
Brutus is leaving us. He no longer sucks on his beloved pillow or blankets. When some one comes to the door he does not runs to the door to do "Protection Duty". He half barks 1/2 howl/whines as if he wants to get up from his spot but just doesnt have the engery to do so or that it hurts too much . I sure do miss that loud strong bark of his. He has not played or chewed on his squeeky blue doll baby in a few days. He will get up to go out side but only want to be there for a few moments. He did go out side to eat some grass. I have always thought he was a half dog half cow. He did eat last night and drank some water from his bowl last night but I had to help him drink when I first got home. He rarely sleeps under my blanket anymore.
I told Brutus last night that it was ok for him to leave , that he has been very brave but it is ok to let go and not to stay just because I have been begging God to help him, that I will be ok. That I will miss him terriably but he needed to be strong enough to let go. I told him what a wonderful boy he has been and I thanked him for being such a wonderful light in my live. That no other dog will or could ever take his place. I promised to take care of Ninnie for him. I promised to take care of Daddy for him.
To please let go and be at peace. He lifted his head , licked my face and layed his head back down.
I woke quite a few times last night to hear him quietly and very slowly breathing.
This morning before I left for work he did not get out of bed or hold his head up to say good bye . I kissed him on his head and told him I will see him when I get home.
9:36 am
I am semi smiling as I am thinking about how Brutus used to bark at me from my bed at "his" bedtime as if to say .."Hey Lady , its time for bed ..where are you?" .. his bark was "whoat, whoat" as if he was saying RIGHT NOW. Sweet memories ..
10:07 AM
It is 10:07 and I am at work but obviously not working ..or at least not effectively. My mind keeps wondering off to my sweet boy. I have to write down all the little things that pop into my mind whether it be big, small, happy, sad as everything is meaningful right now.
It popped in my mind that I was blessed to be able to have been out of work for 6 weeks on sick leave from July15th to Aug 26th. It was a very emotional time. A lot of the emotion and soul searching spent during this time it had to do a lot with Brutus and the community that surrounds him. I was blessed to be able to spend so much time with him. Just watching him and enjoying him. I was able take in everything that is Brutus. His smells, his eating habits, his sleep patterns, his favorite sleep spots , his barks, his play time ect . Things that I never really took time to see before. Small Moments that were always taken for granted,
He was by my side practically the whole time. Not too many owners can say they were able to spend this much one on one time with any one moreless a beloved pet. Those 6 weeks were a blessing in disquise for both Brutus and I ... I am thankful......ok now back to work, or at least try to pretend my mind is on my work and not on my sweet boy who is most assuringly laying in bed at home and wondering where I am or when I will get home.
5:55 PM
Brutus was laying on his blankies and pillows in the living room when I got home at 4pm . He didnt get up to greet me but his tail did thump. I immediately went to him and started loving on him. I had to get up to put my purse away and he started whining. Mind you Brutus has never been a whiner..ever.....so I immediately came back to him and stared rubbing under his neck and I could feel the bones in his lower jaw. This young 8 year old boy looks like he is 15 years old. After a few mintues he got up and went into his room as if he had been waiting for me to get home before he could rest in our bed. I watch him jump up on the bed and has been there since.
My Husband , who is home during the day says that he tried to feed him this morning but he didnt want to eat , not even from his hand ( oh no another sign of him letting go) however he did eat his meatball with his pain meds. He did get up to around 3pm and ate his food in his bowl but not all.
My poor boy... Bru..you are so loved and because we love you ..we will soon be letting you go.....but if you need to go before you have my permission and love to leave. . You can let go my precious boy. Mommy Loves you!!
SEPT 15th
Brutus did not sleep under the covers again. As I get ready for work this morning , he just watched me, still laying on my bed. I kissed his head and told him I would see him when I got home
I went to work and came home at 4:00pm. He was laying on the couch in the living room and he jumped up to see me but fell when his feet hit the ground but he immediately got up and gave me my loving ...then he headed to his room. Again, it was if he was waiting for me to get home.
Around 5:30pm, I took Bru to the vet because we needed to get his weight for the upcoming "goodbye" that was scheduled for Saturday Sept 17th at 1:30pm . Our vet agreed to come to our house, which is something he perfers not to do but since he has known Brutus since he was a young pup, he agreed to do it for Bru. To let him go in peace , comfort and quiet of his own home surrounded by his loved ones.
Brutus struggled to walk into the vets office but his pride was showing and he managed. At this point I was really seeing my boy and how much he is suffereing. In the light of the vets office, he looked very frail and tired. As we were weighing him (66.6 lbs..he gain 6 lbs probably from the tumor) the vet saw him and came over to give Bru some love. The vet commented on how "hot to the touch" Brutus felt and immediately took him into a exam room to get his temperature. His temperature was 'extremely high" and he told me that Brutus is in a lot pain and his recommendations was to "not to wait anymore and to let him go today". I panicked and started crying but I knew what he was saying was right. I told him that I had to go home and get my husband and call the Cremation company.
I left Bru with the vet as I went hysterically home to get my husband. My husband was also in a state of shocked but knew too it was time to say good bye. I called the Cremation company but he was in route to another pick up and it would be at least an hour or so before he could get there.
When we got back to the vets office, we found Dr Abadia on the floor in the mid front office waiting area with Brutus who seemed very relaxed and he didnt even get up when he saw us. It touched me to see Dr Abadia giving him gentle love and attention. I told the vet that they couldnt get there for a while and unfortunately the Vet needed to close his office and couldnt wait. We understood . He offered us to give Bru some meds for the fever , to take Brutus home to spend one last night with him and to bring him in the morning to let him go. . Due to the fevers the home visit was no longer available and we also didnt want to put him through another 24 hours for an after hours visit.So we scheduled Brutus for an in office visit for 9:30 the next morning. So the beginning of Brutus truly leaving us had started and again I begged God to let Brutus go peacefully in his slept at home amoung his loved ones.
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