GOOD DAYS TURNING TO BAD

The saying that I have been clinging on to for Brutus was as long as he was having more good days over bad days then we would take it day by day.

Last night was a hard night of r realizations and the truth that I havent wanted to see or hear. 
Denial is a strong enemy and I no longer can deny what I fear. His bads days are starting and I need to help him by letting go.  But my heart is SCREAMING NO!!  I am not ready to let the love of my life go.  Its not right ..its not fair .. Please GOD NOT MY BRUTUS!!!

         Brutus' boney tumor was 11 '' on Sept 5th (below 1st picture) Today it is 12" circ.

He still gets up to go outside to do his business , barks at people at the door, eating his food by himslef but he rarely leaves his room. . He doesnt stay in the living room for very long. Last night we had him on the couch with us but he seemed very uncomfortable ( maybe because I was crying like a Ninnie over him) and he all he wanted to do was go to his room. He has a certain spot in our room that he perfers, on the floor on the other side of bed, half way under my nightstand with his pillow and blankets. He alternates between the floor spot and my bed which  is laying on the floor without the frame.

They say when a pack member is ill they separate themselves from the pack. I believe this is what he is doing.

My Husband and I were talking last night and he told me that I need to stop being selfish and think of how much pain he must be in and that we have to help him relieve his suffering . That we are going to be in world of hurt when we let him go but at least he will not be in pain any more.

When it was bed time, I noticed that he didnt have much strength to move around the bed, and noticed for the first time how much weight and Muscle he actually has lost. His face is sunk in at the cheeks.  I totally lost it as the realization set in that I HAVE to let him go. Due to my selfishness and fears, I was unable to see what I really didnt want to see.  He is suffering and he is only hanging in there for me. I must let him go this Saturday or even before if need be.  He isnt getting any better and its only continue to get worse for him.

Last night he did  licked the lotion off my hand but  with way less enthusiasm ,  his breathing was very fast and shallow.   At about  1:00am he was licking my hand and I felt that his tongue was very dry. I tried to get him to drink water from his bowl but he wouldnt, so I got a towel and soaked it and squeezed it into his mouth. I finally just cupped the water from the water bowl in my hands and he drank a lot.  He then went to sleep more restful.  He might be dehyrated as I have seen him eat but not drink too much lately..thumping my head for stupidy for not watching for this.

I am not sure what the next few days will bring but I will do my best to make sure he is comfortable and loved. 

12:43 pm
I have just schedule with Faithful Friends Cremation to be on stand by for this week.
My head is now accepting more that this is really gonna happen and I know it is the right thing to do for him but my heart is pleading and begging for a miracle for him to stay and be spared . 

6:05PM
I came home from work and Brutus did not get up out of bed to greet me.  He is laying very still. His tumor looks worse and looks like it has grown even bigger.  He does hold his head up to say hello to me and semi got up so that I could  help him again drink some water.   The Bru that is laying on my bed as I type this  is just a shell of my Bru of just a few months ago  even a few days ago.   As I sit here crying like a babbling Ninnie I know in my heart it is time to do what is right for him, to  say good bye and end his suffering.   Soon Very Soon my sweet boy Bru.....