Paw of love ...

Thinking of you today- THE NOTE PAD

I came across an note pad that I had by my bed. It has been there since you before you passed.

I was thumbing through it and found one page some notes that kinda took my breath away...
the notes where of your activity for two days .. Sept 4 and  5, 2011 .

notes verbatim:

9/4/11 Sunday
Rose visited
He barked at the kids outside
Danny says he thinks things are getting worse and its getting bigger.

Rose came to say good bye as she knew it wouldnt be long before Brutus would leave us

9/5/2011
100 mg Gabopentin  50mg rimadyl
10" circ
lower leg and foot 5 1/2 circ
foot swollen
Ate: both morning /night meals ...cookies
played ball outside ran chase after ball with great strength
_________________
Urinated and bowel movement x2
jumped up on couch to sleep
1pm went for front yard walk
got his blie squeeky and jumped into bed.
didnt want to stand up to eat evening meal- hand feeding all (1/2 special moment 1/2 nursing care)

another page obvious written before this one says
Brtuus
Bru-ti-ful
Boo-ya theres my nose

another page  and another unbreathable moment and I am thinking to myself right now that
DAMN IT! DAMN IT ! DAMN IT!!!  I couldnt keep the cancer from hurting you .... you always stood by me when I had bad days and being bi polar I had many... you always protected me but I failed to protect you.

This is what was written on the page.  A song by the Pretenders called "I"ll Stand By You "..
on the page ...in my handwritting ...
I'll stand by you even in your darkest hours
I wont let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Sweet memories of Young Brutus

5 months since Bru slipped away

My dearest Brutus ..

It has been more than 5 months since my boy Brutus passed away .
Life has gone on without him but the great memories are with me always. I still find myself from time to time getting misty eyed and wishing he was here. But the pain of losing him is now a little more bearable. I still find myself clinging to his memories and instead of crying I find myself smiling more and more at the mention of his name.

My 4 year old  grandson Brian always tells me that he "misses Boo- Boo and wishes he  could see him again." He laughs and tells me how Boo-Boo's tail was so funny..and that he misses his tail.  (Brutus' tail was a true tail of fast love thumps and his licks where almost too too much )

Sometimes.......

I tell myself that things are getting better and life is  moving on. I tell myself all the right things.things we all tell each and lies we tell ourselves  so that e can keep moving forward in this life. I tell myself these things so that I can make it  with out my BRU..but sometimes..sometimes

Some times ...
I regress and lay in bed and just cry... even though Brutus' sister has now taken his spot in my bed everynight I still wake up and think I smell him and am reaching for him.  In the wee hours of the morning is when I become the most meloncohly .

Some times....
 the meloncholy comes over me when I am in the car driving my one hour drive from home and the radio starts playing a certain song... the tears flow like rain.   ......

4 months since Brutus Passed away.....

Yesterday was 4 months since my beloved Bru Boy slipped away from me. The pain in my heart is still very raw but it is getting better.  It is getting better because I know that I gave him an awesome home , he was completely &  unconditionally loved for who and what he was  and in the end I did the right thing by him by letting him slip away into peace and away from all the pain he was going through.

Yesterday,  Me and his Sister Ninnie took a long walk in the woods with my one of my closest friends and her handsome boy Maverick.  Maverick  has many of the same traits as Brutus did. Seeing Maverick majestically walk in the woods,  proudly and unapologeticlly showing his  gameness when he heard an animal in the brush. It  made me think of Brutus' strong constitution and zest for life.

Today I  have slight silent tears and not the full on hysterical cries of a few months ago. I now can fondly remember my boy and all the joy he brought into my life.....the sorrow is less and the memories are PURE JOY AND  filled with GRATITUDE......

New Year 2012..this time last year..

Brutus sitting on top of couch afraid of fire works

01-01- 20012   12:05pm
My Dear Sweet boy Brutus,

As the New Year of 2012 rings in with great sounds of fireworks , my heart begins to wonder to last year's ringing in of 2011. I remember that this time last year you cowered next to me and was my shadow companion for hours because my big bad pit bull was afraid of all the noises and big bangs.  I would laugh that  I was protecting you/ keeping you calm and not vice versa. But I loved it and  it was something that became an annual event for us and quite frankly I looked forward to .  It was our special moments.

This time last year...losing you was never even a thought in my mind.

As I sit here on the couch and the clock reaches 12:00 midnight , a great sadness has overcome me. This year the house is quiet even though the celebrations outside are in full force. Daddy is at work and I am sitting here on the couch with my blankie, watching a marathon TV show and I am painfully  here with out my shadow partner. I have walked to the fridge numerous time expecting to see your nose pop up between my legs as if you want to hide in the fridge as you always did. I expected my bathroom buddy sitting on my feet as I sat on the toilet. I am expecting to trip over you as I walk back to the couch because you would practically lean into until we got back to the couch and under the covers.

 All the nosie and commotion does not bother Shaft or Ninnie. They do not need me to comfort them, nor are they acting like they care If I am even in the house. (maybe they are feeling the same way)....

01-01-2012  9:30am
When I went to bed last night your handsome serious face was on mind and my last thoughts before I feel asleep was  DAMN!!.. This time last year...losing you was never even a thought in my mind.

This morning I woke with you on my mind ... even though my heart is heavy and I miss you terribly, I smile a bittersweet smile as I am so thankful to have had those special moments mentioned above with you and thankful that I had you in my life.
 .