THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AT RAINBOW BRIDGE

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AT RAINBOW BRIDGE

'Twas the night before Christmas, at Rainbow Bridge too.
We Bridgekids were thinking as always of you.
We'd seen how the holidays weren't bright this year,
... Heard you whisper so often, "I wish you were here!"

We know how you wish you could just stay in bed
And sleep through the holiday lying ahead,
When all celebrate with their loved ones so near...
Unless they have loved ones on this side this year.

But we're no less alive here, on the other side.
If you could just see us, you'd've laughed and not cried.
The dogs all in harness, pulling the sleigh.
The cats all in Santa hats pointing the way.

The pet birds all flying back over the rainbow,
Bound homeward in spite of Earth's darkness and snow.
All the pets that you've lost, pets for whom you've cried,
Flying home on this Christmas to be by your side.

If you feel warm fur brush you when no pet's around,
Hear a soft bark or purr, just a ghost of a sound,
We're trying to tell you we're visiting this way,
And our visits, even rainbows, can be on any day.

But for Christmas we have something special to do,
A sleighful of happy dream visits for you.
On doggy, on kitty, on winged friend and ferret!
The love that you lavished, we mean now to share it!

We're fetching that love home, the way we once played,
With the closeness we shared and the memories we made.
Our Earth lives with you were too short for us, too,
And on this Christmas Eve we have so much to do.

So all through this night as you sleep in your beds,
Sweet visions of furbabies dance in your heads.
This one special night we can bring you Home for a while,
Your true home in Heaven, where again you will smile.

Over the rainbow you'll fly, for a short while this night,
Hours that you'll be happy, hours that will feel right,
Hours to cuddle and hug us, to run and to play,
Before the return to Earth in our magic way.

And when you awaken and face Christmas Day,
We pray you'll remember your trip on our sleigh,
But in case you forget, just remember our love.
Remember us watching you, your angels above.

Sending love wrapped in rainbows, shining and bright,
Love that will guide you through the darkest night,
Love found in each memory unwrapped through the year,
Replacing dark sorrows with Christmas cheer.

Leave the toys to St. Nick, we Bridgekids bring dreams,
Sweet visits to remind you all is not as it seems
When you look all around you with tired Earthly eyes.
If you saw as we do, there'd be joy and surprise.

There are furangels waiting by those Christmas trees,
Always there for you and hearing your pleas.
We're never more than a thought away from your home,
You're never forgotten, you're never alone.

Nor are we alone here, with our Rainbow Bridge friends.
We know only joy here, the celebrating never ends,
And after our reunions with you Christmas Eve,
We Bridgekids will party like you'd never believe.

But we'll slip away often to be by your side.
Sitting there watching you, eyes open wide,
Praying you'll be able to catch a glimpse of us, too.
But whether or not you see us - Merry Christmas to you!

Cindy Morgan (2007)
http://www.lighthouseport.com/christmas.html

Christmas without Brutus -again CANCER SUCKS!!

THIS IS MY FIRST CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY WITH OUT  MY BRUTUS AND TO BE HONEST IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!

The grandchildren found his Elf hat he wore every year hidden in my decorations and it was every thing I could not to lose it front of them. 

He hated putting the hat on but loyalty kept it on until I took it off of him. 

I miss him so much!! Tears all over the place !!! 

OSTEOSARCOMA
CANCER SUCKS!!!

3 months since Bru "SLIPPED AWAY"

This pretty much says it all.....

2 Months with out Brutus

                                                   

                                              
                                                                    



                                                  MY FOREVER FRIEND

                                             I know that it must be different

                                         Now that  I am no longer here.

                                         I realize how much I was loved

                                         and how all of you did care.

                                           I know it will be hard at first

                                        when you look around for me.

                                        Expecting to find me in my bedroom
                                        or me sucking on my favorite blankie.
                                           Someday you will begin to see,

                                       Although it’ll take some time,

                                       The happy times you shared with me

                                       The memories are yours and mine.

                                            I’ll remember you my family,

                                      and how much you meant to me.

                                     So please don’t grieve and don’t be sad,

                                     Because It was just my time to leave

2 months ...deep beath and sigh....and a little smile at the corner of my lips.

I read a wonderful  blog that talks about "wiethering the storm " of the passing of a beloved pet. It was helpful for me to realize it is OK for me to feel so much sorrow and pain and that sooner or later the sorrow will turn to smiles and fond memories.

The last 6 months has been a true life lesson in so many ways. To this day Brutus' lessons are still showing up in small wonderous ways.

Life has moved forward without our Beloved Bru in our physical presence but he has been here spiritually. Ninnie has been jumping up on the foyer table where Bru's  remains and pictures are . She has never done this before. (again somehow dogs know and I think she smells his collars)

As time has passed , I have gained a lot of perspective.  I can now look back and be more focused on  all the wonderful things he brought into our lives and not so focused on  why or how he left us.  I can look back and see how blessed we were to have him in our lives the past 8 years and his many lessons he unknowingly bestow upon us.  I want to focus on the positive, fun and good stuff and not staying negatively and dwelling  in the past. He didnt live that way neither should I.


Even though I thought the horrendeous pain of missing him would never end , the days are getting easier and the happy thoughts of Brutus are more and more frequent and the pain of the loss a tiny bit less. His family is on the path of healing and moving forward without as much guilt as we know we did our best for him . I know in my heart that he had a wonderful home, filled with so much love, kindness and care. His family loved him, His Gboyz loved him as well as so many others. He will never be forgotten.  He and his legacy will live on in our hearts forever.

Deep down we somehow always knew that this journey would end. We knew that if we gave our hearts they would be broken. But give them we must for it is all they ask in return. When the time comes, and the road curves ahead to a place we cannot see, we give one final gift and let them run on ahead, young and whole once more. "God speed, good friend," we say, until our journey comes full circle and our paths cross again.


-- Author Unknown


** side note to Brutus *I still miss you terriably and sure do miss your licky loo kisses and the thumping of yourtail but  I can now remember it with smiles instead of a tears.  There is still a faint smell of your scent in the house and on your pillow and  blankey and it no longer brings me pain but  comfort.  When I hear the windchimes chiming outside I know it is you telling me that you and MsTonka are running and playing without pain while getting along with other dogs. I miss you my sweet boy. I pray to see you again someday but until then I promise to always carry you in my memories and heart for ever.  I will forever love and miss my BRU - BOO-BOO

RIP SWEET LONDON: Lessons from London and Brutus

                                                     RIP  London Antonio Jimenez-Caride
                                                         Grandma's Little Grand-Paws
                                                                       10-25-2011

Last night 10-25-2011 was an eye opener and because of some  of Brutus' lesson we were able to cope with a tragedy that came our way with heavy hearts but semi-clear minds:...

My son Daniels dog, London,  a minature yorkie who weighed about 5 lbs but full of attitude and love   was killed by another dog last night. It was an "accident" as the other dog's leash/collar broke  and  the  dog's  natural prey drive kicked in and he went after London.  In a dogs eye a small black object moving in the dark could be a rabbit or squirrel ect. Unfortunately within seconds , it only took one slap of its big paw and one bite to end this precious little dogs life .

My son is devastateded and I feel his pain very deeply as London  my GRANDPAWS. London will be sorely missed. He was such a cute, loving  and very well behaved dog.  He came into my sons life as a stray and was the light of my son and his partners lives.  I am not a big fan of small dogs but this little guy won my heart over instantly. There are no exact words to express the feelings that our family is feeling over the loss of  this sweet little guy.

I was so proud of my son, through his grief he was still  able to comfort the other owner who was freaking out, who was so upset and in shock at what his dog had just done and extremely remorseful over the loss of London . The owner kept saying that his dog is so sweet and has never had any issues before but now he will need to put his dog down because he has "turned" vicious.  Daniel begged him NOT to take such rash actions because his dog was just being a dog. That his dog was NOT vicious. That dogs are animals and he was sure that the other dog was only doing what animalistically comes naturally to them even if he never showed an ounce of prey drive before.  Daniel begged and pleaded for him not to put his dog down.

As devastating as it is to have lost London in such a manner we hope this owner uses this as a wake up call to educate himself on this issue so that London's death will not be in vain. Unfortunately sometimes it takes things like this to happen before you are forced to  learn about a subject that may have never crossed ones mind before. I truly believe that you dont know, what you dont know until the lesson has been brought to your attention. I hope this lesson will be truly learned and retained and maybe retaught to others..."When you know better ..you do better".

The lesson from Brutus here is that years ago  he taught our family so much on the issue of DOG ON DOG matters. He taught us the lessons we needed to learn on this issues. He made us educate ourselves on these issues  and that  you may never see an ounce of any of these but if you do it is right then and there you need to  step up to the plate and educate yourself  on the issue. He taught us how important it is to be a responisble owner, take the time to truly know your dogs temperment, body langauge and to train yourself and them. He also taught  what letting your dog be a dog and not humanizing them is all about.  I truly believe that because of Brutus' lessons, Daniel was able to handle this situation with such grace and dignity.

EDUCATION TIME:

There is a big difference between Prey drive, Dog on Dog  Aggression and DOG ON HUMAN AGGRESSION

All dogs have some level of Prey drive... lizard stalking , frog catching , bird and squirrell chasing .. all  are signs of prey drive. To think your dog does not is unrealistic.

High prey drive and dog on dog aggression DOES NOT MEAN YOUR DOG IS VICIOUS OR DANGEROUS !!!  An owner should  NOT ignore this as there are things you can do to prevent further issues. Protecting your dog and protecting others dogs should be top priorty . If your dog shows human aggression that is totally different  ball game  and the owner needs to make a commitment to address this behavior and  seek professional help right away. EDUCATION , EDUCATION, EDUCATION!!

Brutus' and now London also have taught us that no matter how much we try to humanize our dogs they are infact animals and as animals should be viewed and treated as such. That dogs will be dogs and most assuredly  animalistic behavior will win over our humanistic behavior almost every time.  It is the circle of life.

Good Bye my sweet little Guy, go run and play with Ms Tonka and Brutus at Heavens Bridge.


LONDON ANTONIO JIMENEZ

10-25-2011.

Hair on his chest

Brutus went to the bridge  with hair on his chest .....

                                                 What a handsome boy he was !!!
From the time Brutus was about 20 months old when he starting the beginning of his journey of fighting off allergies. I first noticed it when we had him neutered and microchipped. 

He was allergic to so many things.  Chicken , grains, carpeting , metals, grass , seasonal allergies.
His allergies manifested itself as yeast in his ears and skin, redness, cracking  and swelling in his face. chest, neck and legs and areas of balding in his coat mostly on his sides , legs and stomach. His chest always was the worse.  So many times it was raw and seeping.  The hair on Brutus' chest would come and go. He  did not have a full area  hair on his chest for years.

He lived on predinsone,benadryl pills and a assortment of creams and lotions.  He ate grain free foods.  He wore little boy clothes and the dreaded "cone of shame" to keep him from scratching.

His vet told me of  a medication that would help clear him up but warned it was extremely expensive. $100.00+ per month for possibly 3 months .  My budget has never allowed to me afford that especially with the possible side effects and no guarantee that it would work....


His allergies at its worse , this is his neck and ear. He wore clothes
so that he wouldnt scratch himself raw

How ever when his cancer was diagnosed his vet gave him some Antirobe just in case it wasn't cancer but an infection in the bone  and he said that even if it wasn't an infection it would help with his skin .  It was extremely expensive, over $100.00 for 30 pills but at that point I was willing to pay what I could to give Brutus a fighting chance. It turned out that Brutus did not have a bone infection but indeed was bone cancer and just as the vet said  it cleared his skin issues  right up .... he was clear up to the day he died.

Good day at the park in the grass

Had I truly known that it would have worked then  I would have some how found the extra money. If I totalled all the money that I spent on special diets , antibiotics, benadryl ,special shampoo's, baby clothes, non allergy laundry soap ..the $100.00 for possible 3 months would have been cheaper in the long run  and sooo sooo  much healthier for Brutus...


minimal allergies while playing in the grass ..before he would already be super red and bumpy

But I am thankful that the Antirobe helped Brutus in the end, I am thankful that he didn't have to battle the allergies and cancer at the same time.  I am thankful that he went to heaven with a beautiful  coat and
                                               Soft Silky hair on his chest.

                                                      
to learn more about allergies in dogs please click on Brutus' above .

AS HE LIVED..SO SHALL I

 A  comment was recently written in response to my last blog 4 weeks without Brutus.
It has hit a cord with me :

From Prue Batten from Tasmania AU
My family is moving on as well after our Jack Russell Milo's passing three weeks ago. But it's a moving on filled with wonderful memories... we regret nothing and in true dog-fashion, we learn from Milo that life is for the taking, for enjoyment and for living. He would not want us to grieve and mope. I think Brutus would be the same. I just watch dogs when we are out walking and the biggest lesson they teach me is to enjoy the moment, be spontaneous, keep living. Wonderful post, thank you.

Thank you Prue for the kind and wonderful words of wisdom.

I  am having a very hard time not having my TEACHER OF MANY LESSONS at my side, but when I saw how many people showed up for The Pit Bulls Pounding the Pavement walk and saw how his legacy has touched so many lives of both dogs and humans , I knew deep down inside that BRUTUS had made a difference.

SILLY HAPPY TIMES

 Even though my heart has fought it I know that I Must keep my chin up, live every mintue to the fullest, give all my  love  easily, freely and unconditionally. To behave in a stoic yet playful goofy way and to always  be enthusiastic and almost comically happy to see my family and friends.
If I do this then I do shall have no regrets.
I know in my heart that Bru wouldnt expect, or want anything less from me . When he was here he demanded me to be all that I could be (a well adjusted, centered,  responsible owner) because he needed me to be.

SO AS HE LIVED, SO SHALL I ...

4 weeks without Bru -Purpose,Faith& In Time

                           PURPOSE , FAITH & IN TIME

PURPOSE:

The object toward which one strives or for which one exists

And ever those, who would enjoyment gain/Must find it in the purpose they pursue" (Sarah Josepha Hale).

FAITH:

Faith is trust, hope and belief in the goodness, trustworthiness or reliability of a person, concept or entity. It can also refer to beliefs that are not based on proof yet felt in the heart

IN TIME:
Within an indefinite time; eventually
 

Today is has a been a month since our beloved boy left us.

    Even though I still miss him terribly I am able to say his name without crying. I can smell his scent with only a little welling up but not the full on ugly cry that followed his passing.  I miss him sleeping with me. I miss our bedtime routine. I miss him waking me by his incessive licking and tail massages. I am trying to get used to having Ninnie and Shaft sleeping with me and thier sleep patterns.I try to light candles in his memory every night yet even that is less and less now. Our family circle  is moving forward yet it  is definately broken and the dynamics in our house are so different. But life is moving forward.
      I am still angry over the fact that he had this horrible disease and that all the  praying done on his behalf by myself and so many others  didn't produce the miracle that he so deserved and I begged and pleaded for.  My faith has never been strong but I tried so hard for Brutus' sake to have faith and believe.   Yet his well deserved miracle didn't happen. Any  Faith and Belief  that I had has now been shaken to it's core.


His last night with us
please click HERE

      I guess the only thing I have left to believe in is that the miracle was that he came into my life in the first place along with the lessons he provided me and our community.     Per the last few posts, life is moving forward with out him.  I still have Shaft and Ninnie to take care of .   I am afraid to give my heart so freely to them as I know the heartache that will come in the future.  I know that in my heart I need to move on and in Brutus' memory give Shaft and Ninnie my all.  To finish where he left off. But my heart is just not there yet.  I am hoping that in a month from now that I will be writing how I have been able to find the heart and will to continue his legacy through Shaft and Ninnie.  They both deserve nothing less than 100% of my time and heart.

I believe that Brutus' came to me with a purpose. A purpose that was realized and  fullfilled.


BRUTUS' LEGACY LIVES ON  -4 th annual Pit Bull Awareness day Oct 10 2011
click on picture for more info

     I will try to have faith that in time his memory will help me to continue to help others as was done in the past but right now I am just not feeling it ...my passion is just not there anymore.

     I pray that  faith and purpose will in time help my heart to be re-opened to the  two that are still with me. The two who  are so patiently  waiting for me to come back to them in the full spirit that  once was and is  meant to be.
    Moving forward with  Purpose and Faith in mind,  I hope in time  to find the strength and will to be able to make new happy memories with them so that when their time comes I wont have any regrets.

Oh Brutus , (deep sigh) even though you are not physically here ..your lessons continue to come to me.......

                                                

MOVING FORWARD

While Brutus was sick, I took my bed off its frame and sat it on the ground so that he could reach my bed without to much effort or having to jump up and down which could have caused him to break his leg.

Last night I put my frame to my sleigh bed back together and I washed the sheets and blankets.
I know it is gross that I havent washed my linens for almost month but I wasnt ready to let go off his scent that permiated through out my room.  I washed all his blankets that he had on the side of the bed.  I did however leave one blanket that had his scent unwashed and I placed into a pillow case and made a pillow out of it .  I did not wash "his pillow". I am not ready for that yet.

When it was bed time Ninnie jumped up on the bed and I swear she was laying in a same position that I had a picture of Bru doing .. like smelling the fresh linens and in deep thought. By the time I got the camera , she had moved.  But I was able to get the picture above.  Brutus' teddy bear is on my bed and its funny/peculiar how she has NOT touched it. Ninnie is our household teddy bear destroyer yet his bear goes untouched.  I TRULY BELIEVE THAT A DOGS NOSE -KNOWS

After putting my bed back together and putting on clean linens I started to Vacumn my rug. All of a sudden my heart rate was racing and  there was a ping in my heart. I realized that I no longer have to place sheets and blankets all over the carpeting and if I wanted to I start using carpet fresh. Brutus was highly allergic to both. BIG BIG SIGH..no tears just a deep sigh of sadness...hummmm

Signs of acceptance.

BRUTUS CHEWED MY BED AS A PUPPY

BRUTUS AND DANIEL



BRUTUS AND BOY DADDY DANIEL
September 14th 2011

Daniel came into to town just to say his good byes to his "Bruuuu-tis".
He spent good quality time with him and loved him all up.
Brutus was so happy to see his oldest boy daddy.
It was hard for Daniel to say good bye knowing it would be the last time he would see him.
SWEET MEMORIES



A photo album shows you have lived

 birth certificate shows you were born.
A death certificate shows you have died.
A photo album shows you have lived

Brutus' Legacy Lives on

Yesterday was a testament that BRUTUS' life was not in vain and that his Legacy to help the betterment of the Pit Bull Breed and Community WILL LIVE ON!!

Yesterday Oct 8th 2011 -
 Ybor City FL was the setting for the most wonderful
 PIT BULLS POUNDING THE PAVEMENT EVENT  EVER !!!!!  Brutus was my inspiration behind Pit bulls Pounding the Pavement.

There was approximately 120+ dogs and responsible owners at our Annual Pit Bull Awareness Month event. Almost double what we have had in the past. So many dogs and handlers in one small area at Gaspars Grotto Patio and Grill. Everyone had a great time. In the evening it began to rain ( no lightening) so I danced in the rain and It felt like Brutus was there with me. The whole event went way smoother than any other event. Every one was unified and there as ONE for the breed.  It was a perfect event.

We had wonderful vendors :
 Pibbles to the Rescue, Pit Bull Happenings, HCAS Pit Crew, HCAS adopt Program, ITrainU, Petsupermarket, and my most favorite of the day ,
TAMPAPETS.ORG
 whose awesome artist Anna Hamilton was there and she memorialized Brutus on the Grotto's wall. Gaspars Grotto was were our first Big Walk took place.It was only befitting to havehim there with us... in spirit and on the wall.                                    
           BRUTUS WILL BE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS
                                AND ON THE WALL




Even though I still want Brutus to be here with me I feel this is one of the best memorial I can give him



3 weeks with out Brutus



BRUTUS MEMORIALIZED at Gaspar's Grotto

          



You can shed tears that he is gone,
             Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
            Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
           Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
          Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of
                              yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
          Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your
                            back.            Or you can do what he'd want
smile, open your eyes, live, love and go on

It has now been 3 weeks without our beloved Bru and the tears are less and the smiles are more.

I smile as I am thankful to have had the prevledge to have had him in my life. i smile because I can now get past the full blown self pity crying attacks to see the little things and happy moments and memories that randomly pop in my head. Random memories  like ....when we would be having our silly moments together  I used to call him to me  with my lips in full  airplane propeller mode   BRRRRRRRRRRRRutus ..

The anger over the way we lost him as subsided a little bit. Brutus always provided me with lessons that I needed to learn.  He taught me about this horriable disease and what a true fighter really is . He taught me that sometimes leaving is the kindest and most unselfish thing to do , for yourself and for others.

               

2 weeks without Brutus

Brutus' Final Resting Place

                                                           
Today has been 2 weeks since our beloved Brutus left us.  The first week or so I was sooo numb and couldnt say his name without crying.  The worse days were when we had to actually let him go, when I felt his last breath , then we brought him home for his final resting place and lastly the  day I realized his crate with all his favorite blankies and Winnie the Pooh baby bumper would be forever empty. The realization of the past months, days and moments hit me like a ton of bricks...That Brutus was gone and was never coming back.

Big Bad Pit bull loved his Winnie the Pooh bumper

I will not lie, I am not a strong person and losing Bru has put me in a total state of indifference.I am still wandering the house expecting to see him. I am still extremely angry that there is such as thing as Canine Cancer , Osteosarcoma in particular. Watching my once healthy boy  weither away as he gave it  his all to stay with us and with  such dignity. Watching him deteriorate and watching him  struggle  to hang in there as long as he could totally has devastated me.  I couldnt do anything to keep him here. I couldnt help stay. I could only ease his pain by letting him go.  I know his big ,  brave and strong  heart would have battled forever so that he could stay with us  longer but his body failed hiim in the end. His body failed him way before his will did. My strong boy was so strong willed and left as he lived : a True Braveheart and  Gentleman . I wish I could be as strong as he was.  I wish that I had 1/2 the character and selfishless devotion that he gave so willingly and freely. Even though I still have two other wonderful dogs in the house..the house seems empty. I know that he was in pain and needed to go and letting him go was right for HIM, but obviously my selfishness still wants him here with me.....our house is empty and our family is broken without him.

However life has moved on with out our precious boy and a testament to that fact is that last night I found Shaft ( our 11 year old staffy mix)  laying comfortably inside of Brutus' crate, sniffing and licking the baby bumper. Where as Brutus and Ninnie found thier crates to be a place of comfort, quietness and safety,  Shaft has NEVER liked the crate, was uncomfortable in one  and would Never have anything to do with anything that constricted his movement.  So to see him  freely laying in Brutus' crate was good for the soul and an affirmation that life does go on.

Brutus may not be here in body but  will forever be in my heart and soul and his gifts to his family will never be forgotten. He was a true blessing in so many ways and brought such great joy and pride into our lives.
I am a better person because of him and I will carry that with me until I join him at the bridge.

Brutus' footprint

Our family chain is broken

I Only


A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

Author unknown

My heart just sank

Omg ..My heart just sank.. and tears are all over the place.   I am sitting in Brutus' and Ninnies room and I just realized  Bru's crate is empty and it will forever remain empty.   His Winnie the Pooh crib bumper is still in the crate ..GOD DAMN IT !!! 

1 week since Brutus left us....

Today is one week since our beloved Brutus left us. 
Our house is so quiet without him.  When Shaft barks theres only one dog  barking. Brutus is not there to try to "out do" his barks any more and keep the volley of barks going . Ninnie sniffs constantly for him and at first wasnt eating..

about a week before Bru left us ....I know can see what I didnt want to see

On Wednesday Sept 21st, Brutus came home one last time. He now sits on top of my front entry foyer table for all to see when they come in. He will always be there to greet all that come in. .  He sits right next to Ms Tonka. I hope he has found her at the bridge and they are having a great time playing and licking each other.

The days have been a blur and my heart screams
"IT"S NOT RIGHT ..HE SHOULD BE HERE WITH US"!!!

 I am still in a state of denial , anger , saddness, shame  and numbness.
Denial- as I feel he is just somewhere else and he will be home soon.
Anger- as to why my young 8 year old boy is not here with us. Angry that my prayers for a miracle didnt happen. Angry that my boy had to die from cancer and not of old age.
Sadness- that he is not here physically with us any more. Sad that there was not more "time" to go walking, to "go to the garage" to go out side, to have another night of bed time rituals. Sadness that I couldnt do more for him. Sadness that when our daily rain storms come he is not seeking refuge under my feet. Sadness that life is going to go on with out him.
Shame - that my denial to see how physically bad he truly was and how much  he was truly suffering, ashamed that that I let him suffer so long , i only wanted to see hiss love, his bravery , strength to hold on for me  and not  see his pain....all because I was selfish and  I was afraid to let him go.
Numbness- the pain of losing him and him not being here has made me numb.  The numbness is not allowing me to let go.Numb to opening my heart up again.  The numbness that is not allowing  myself to get too too close to Ninnie and Shaft.

I am torn between 1. being glad he's out of pain , at peace and 2.  question God why he took him from me at such a young age.  
 One minute I tell myself that we did what was right for him as he was in pain , pain that until the last few days he did not want us to see, pain that made my strong stoic boy frail and weak.  I tell myself that he is no longer in pain and we did "right " by him by letting him go. 
Then the next mintue I am crying and missing him terriably. I tell myself that I let him linger too long in such pain. How selfish I was for being in such deep denial and how selfish I was to try  cling to him and to  keep him here.
Then I pull myself together and tell myself that we gave him peace from all his pain,  gave him a good and loving home. That he knew we loved him and that he was the light of our lives. That he knew his purpose was to be our companion and protector.



I am thankful that he came into our lives and that he left  willing and quietly with such grace and dignity.
I need to some how pull myself out of this dark space and continue to live with as much honor, grace and dignity as he did . ...  to honor his life by living and remembering all the good times and how much love and happiness he brought into our lives and the lives of many others.

RIP my sweet boy....

GOOD DAY AT THE PARK

You will always be in my thoughts

Brutus and Daddy last pic precious moments

I held you in my arms
As you took your final breath
Tears filled my eyes
As I finally accepted your death.







As you become an angel
Tear drops hit the floor
Silence fills the room
Pain you'll feel no more.

How will I live without you?
How will I go on?
How will I face another day
Knowing that you're gone?

But I wasn't selfish
I only thought of you
The peace that you must feel
It was something I had to do.

So fly up to heaven
Be at peace my baby
We had a lifetime of
something wonderful
Never forget how happy
you made me.

I will never forget your beautiful face. You taught forgiveness faith strength and unconditional LOVE.

You will always be in my thoughts peace be with you now till we meet again.....

R.I.P BRUTUS- He was not afraid

A gentleman always knows when it is time to leave.


I knew this week would be the last week we would have with our beloved Brutus.
Yesterday he was having a REALLY BAD DAY. His tumor had gotten so much bigger in such a few days. He was sleeping more than being awake. He was still eating but he wasnt drinking. He had life in him but a very diminshed life.  He was being very brave.

Yesterday day , I took him to the Vet.  He was running a very high fever and he exhibiting signs of being in severe pain. Our vet advised us to take him home for the night  to spend one last night with him as it is time to say good bye. We set the "last appointment" for 9:30am the next morning. Saying good bye at our house was no longer an option due to the fevers.  I again begged God  for the miracle that he so deserved. To either save him from this horrible cancer or to at least let him leave us peacefully in his sleep at home and not in vets office in which he was sometimes afraid at .

When we got home, I gave Brutus the prednisone that his Doctor had given us and I wet him down from head to toe  and paced him on the couch with a cool wet blanket trying in vain to bring his temperture down.(see below). I didnt care that my couch was being ruined by the water.  I hand feed him water cupped in my hands. He drank a whole bowl plus he was continuously licking the soaked wet towels that I had wrapped around his wrists. Due to his body heat the towels were dry in no time and I had to douse them over and over in my vain efforts to keep him at a lower temperature.  The cancer was over taking his body and the fevers were a definate enemy. The picture below says it all.  He had never hung over the couch in such a manner before this night.

Brutus' last night (feeling really bad)

He was on and off very listless and he finally went to lay down him his room. He barely licked the lotion off my hands as he did every night since he was a puppy.   I noticed that his good leg was laying on top of the tumor and when I moved his leg to place a pillow between the legs I was forced to comes to grips with this big ugly thing on his leg and how this tumor was eating away my dogs body and spirit. I laid down at the foot of the bed with him and held him tight. I prayed once more but I knew right then and there that Brutus' miracle would not come and tomorrow I would have to thank him for being so brave and then help him out of all his suffering. I believe that I cried myself to sleep.

Sept 16th  7:30am

He woke up at about 7:30 am , and seemed to be better. His fever had subsided somewhat yet the tumor was very hot to the touch .  He went outside to do his buisness and I hand feed him some more water.
My Son Brian, his wife and the  3 grandboys came over around 8:00 am.The G-boys didnt know it was Brutus' last day and we didnt tell them. We want them to only have untainted memories of Bru.  Brutus got up and did his "protection bark" and once he saw the kids he did his licking routine and then went to lay down by one of his favorite spots by the door. Another sign that he was leaving us, as even a a few weeks ago you couldnt keep Bru off the grandbabies and his super duper happy tail was something the kids tried desparately to stay away from as they would go home with brusies.

The G-boys helped me feed Brutus his usual Meatballs and wet food and he ate it very well.

I was thinking to myself that it seems that dogs always get better or act better the day you decide you need to let them go.  My husband says it the same with humans... that we feel bad but when we see the doctor usually  we dont feel bad anymore .

Brutus' last picture, even though he could barely stand he went outside to say one last good bye to his G boys

During the G-boys visit Brutus was in and out of sleep.  He did get up to go outside with the G-boys when they were leaving . It felt like he couldnt let them down. That he had to be strong and proud for them. As soon as the G-boys left, he went back into the house and laid down for the last few times on his pile of pillows and blankies that have been in the middle of the living room the past 4 months.

9:00AM
Brutus was resting on his pile of blankies when he all of a sudden he jumped up and started barking at the door. It was my best friend Debbie.  Once he saw her,  he gave her a Quick lick or two and he headed back to the pillow pile.  Debbie had come to help us say good bye and to just be there for Bru if need be.

Debbie and Bru at the Park June 2011

9:10AM
While Bru was lying on "His Pile" he started whining and started staring out toward the front door. He whined and bark that sounded very much like a " semi- protection" whine.  He was staring intently at the front door so I asked him if he wanted to go outside.  He got up and went out the front door to the drive way and just stared at it . Looking like he was searching or expecting to find something. He was still whining a little bit.  A few seconds later I heard the sound of a base booming car and then out of no where I saw my son Brian driving towards our house.  Brutus was doing a happy whine. It was as if he knew Brian was coming and that he had to get to him...his boy came back for him.

Brian and Brutus 2005

I will never forget it.. as Brian was getting out of the car Brutus wobbled over to him.  DOGS KNOW. 

Brian had come back as he said he had to help us say good-bye and after all it was he and his father who had picked Brutus out of the litter and Brian helped his Dad pay for him . He felt since he was there in the beginning that it only be fitting that he be with him in the end.
Brutus came back into the house and laid back down oh his pile for the last time

9:30AM
It was time for us to leave but my husband was stalling. He didnt want to do it. He kept saying "its whats best for Bubba".. if it was up to him he would keep him until he died as home. He was battling him self. but he eventually got up off the couch and we started our way on Brutus' final car ride.

9:45ish
We arrived at the Vets office and  Bru was in semi good spirits but you can tell he was  oh so tired. When the nurse called us into the room, I placed Brutus' favorite blanket and pillow on the ground and he promptly laid down  on them with out me having to ask. It was like he knew. He wasnt afraid.  He laid down like he knew what was going on and he  was ready and it was ok.  He looked so frail and weak.  My son and husband were loving on him but they couldnt handle it and had to leave. So my best Friend Debbie came in to help me say goodbye.  I layed down next to Boo in a spooning position and held him him tight.  I told him how much I loved him and how much he will be missed. The nurse came in and gave him his sedative as we both layed on the ground together. He only slightly reacted to the injection.  I started to cry . He layed his head back in my arms and didnt fight it. As if he was saying "its ok Mommy and thank you" for releiving him of this pain and suffering .  I was crying even harder. I made sure that my face was what he saw, the last vision he saw before he was gone.  I breathed  him in and stroked his beautiful reddish orange and white hair. I kissed his pink nose. I  was telling him how brave he was , how much I loved him, will miss him, thanked him for all the lessons and blessing he gave us. The doctor came in and kindly waited for me to say ok.  By this time even though Brutus' eyes were still open  he was snoring.  I knew he was sedated really good and I gave the doc the ok.  This is where I began to lose it  as I knew this was the end. Still laying next to him ,I held him so close to me and kept telling him that I loved him. I  felt his last heart beat and  him take his last breath. I felt his body go limp.  I felt the Doc putting the stethoscope to his chest  and then I totally lost it. HE WAS GONE. MY BRU WAS FOREVER GONE . I felt like I was screaming for him to come back.  I cried uncontrollably as I buried my head into the side of his head.   Debbie was trying her best to console me. There was no consoling me.  This was an unbareable pain.  After a few mintues ,when I couldnt breath from crying so hard I looked up and saw the Doc's eyes and they were watering.  I knew Brutus was gone and sat up to catch my breath.  Finally I got up to tell my husband and son that he was gone and  they went into the room to see him as I  asked the nurse if I could have some shavings of Brutus' hair.    He looked like he was peacefully sleeping but I knew that he was forever gone from this world.

Faithful Friends Pet Cremation had 2 lovely ladies who came to pick Brutus up and I couldnt have asked for better. They came in to the room prior to Brutus being sedated and loved on him and blessed him , even though they never had met him before. They were the top of professionals. They were so respectful and caring  of his body and was so gentle with him. They genlty wrapped Brutus up to his nose in his blankie with his blue doll baby and placed him on the stretcher. My husband and son carried him out to the awaiting company car. We said our final good byes and I kissed his pink nose one last time . The lovely ladies promised me that they would take great care of him and in my heart  I knew he was in good hands. This helped make it easier to let him go.

Brutus passed away peacefully in my arms. Such bittersweet and precious moments.  Even though I wasnt ready, he was ....HE WAS NOT AFRAID.  He knew it was his time to go.   He passed away with the same GRACE AND DIGNITY AS HE LIVED.  A gentleman always knows when it is time to leave.

*********
Deep down we somehow always knew that this journey would end. We knew that if we gave our hearts they would be broken. But give them we must for it is all they ask in return. When the time comes, and the road curves ahead to a place we cannot see, we give one final gift and let them run on ahead, young and whole once more. "God speed, good friend," we say, until our journey comes full circle and our paths cross again.


-- Author Unknown