Today marks the 7th month without our Bru Boy physically being in our presence.
He may not be in our physical presence but he is always carried in our hearts.
I still think of my boy often and still tear up from time to time.
This pasted weekend I was doing some spring cleaning and I came across some old pictures in a box in the closet and they are pictures of Brutus as a Puppy. One shows him laying on his Daddy's belly at estimated age of 6 months and others are him hanging out and having a good time with his older Brother Shaft.
Brutus was such a handsome boy with such "awesome and unusual markings', as I was told by so many people who knew the breed much better than I.
I also found his first Ribbon that he ever won at his very first MFAPBTA show... date 7/172005... I will never forget that day. He held himself in such high esteem and had no problem telling the other dogs who he was and what he was all about. The judge was James Rogers ( a true dog man of the breed). James loved how Bru was so proud of himself , his nice chest and markings. He kept telling Bru to "Tell em like it is..tell them who you are.. now thats fine Bulldog" .... He took 3rd place in a ring of about 8 other long time shown dogs. Not bad for his first showing ever......
One things for sure Brutus never had a problem with
"Telling em who HE WAS "....
I have always said to TELL ONES STORY SO THAT THIER MEMORY NEVER FADES..
I watched this movie today and it reminded me of my Brutus and his courageous battle with cancer.
It reminded me how he lived his life with such dignity and fierce loyatly.
He was my WARRIOR!!!
"Remember" By Josh Groban
Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly, It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you Whenever you tell, my story For I am all I've done Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me, in your memory Remember me
I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out, and touch you Then I will never die
Remember, I'll never leave you If you will only Remember me
Remember me...
Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended I live forever Remember me
I came across an note pad that I had by my bed. It has been there since you before you passed.
I was thumbing through it and found one page some notes that kinda took my breath away...
the notes where of your activity for two days .. Sept 4 and 5, 2011 .
notes verbatim:
9/4/11 Sunday
Rose visited
He barked at the kids outside
Danny says he thinks things are getting worse and its getting bigger.
Rose came to say good bye as she knew it wouldnt be long before Brutus would leave us
9/5/2011
100 mg Gabopentin 50mg rimadyl
10" circ
lower leg and foot 5 1/2 circ
foot swollen
Ate: both morning /night meals ...cookies
played ball outside ran chase after ball with great strength
_________________
Urinated and bowel movement x2
jumped up on couch to sleep
1pm went for front yard walk
got his blie squeeky and jumped into bed.
didnt want to stand up to eat evening meal- hand feeding all (1/2 special moment 1/2 nursing care)
another page obvious written before this one says
Brtuus
Bru-ti-ful
Boo-ya theres my nose
another page and another unbreathable moment and I am thinking to myself right now that
DAMN IT! DAMN IT ! DAMN IT!!! I couldnt keep the cancer from hurting you .... you always stood by me when I had bad days and being bi polar I had many... you always protected me but I failed to protect you.
This is what was written on the page. A song by the Pretenders called "I"ll Stand By You "..
on the page ...in my handwritting ... I'll stand by you even in your darkest hours I wont let nobody hurt you I'll stand by you
It has been more than 5 months since my boy Brutus passed away .
Life has gone on without him but the great memories are with me always. I still find myself from time to time getting misty eyed and wishing he was here. But the pain of losing him is now a little more bearable. I still find myself clinging to his memories and instead of crying I find myself smiling more and more at the mention of his name.
My 4 year old grandson Brian always tells me that he "misses Boo- Boo and wishes he could see him again." He laughs and tells me how Boo-Boo's tail was so funny..and that he misses his tail. (Brutus' tail was a true tail of fast love thumps and his licks where almost too too much )
I tell myself that things are getting better and life is moving on. I tell myself all the right things.things we all tell each and lies we tell ourselves so that e can keep moving forward in this life. I tell myself these things so that I can make it with out my BRU..but sometimes..sometimes
Some times ...
I regress and lay in bed and just cry... even though Brutus' sister has now taken his spot in my bed everynight I still wake up and think I smell him and am reaching for him. In the wee hours of the morning is when I become the most meloncohly .
Some times....
the meloncholy comes over me when I am in the car driving my one hour drive from home and the radio starts playing a certain song... the tears flow like rain. ......
