Omg ..My heart just sank.. and tears are all over the place. I am sitting in Brutus' and Ninnies room and I just realized Bru's crate is empty and it will forever remain empty. His Winnie the Pooh crib bumper is still in the crate ..GOD DAMN IT !!!
Today is one week since our beloved Brutus left us.
Our house is so quiet without him. When Shaft barks theres only one dog barking. Brutus is not there to try to "out do" his barks any more and keep the volley of barks going . Ninnie sniffs constantly for him and at first wasnt eating..
about a week before Bru left us ....I know can see what I didnt want to see
On Wednesday Sept 21st, Brutus came home one last time. He now sits on top of my front entry foyer table for all to see when they come in. He will always be there to greet all that come in. . He sits right next to Ms Tonka. I hope he has found her at the bridge and they are having a great time playing and licking each other.
The days have been a blur and my heart screams
"IT"S NOT RIGHT ..HE SHOULD BE HERE WITH US"!!!
I am still in a state of denial , anger , saddness, shame and numbness. Denial- as I feel he is just somewhere else and he will be home soon. Anger- as to why my young 8 year old boy is not here with us. Angry that my prayers for a miracle didnt happen. Angry that my boy had to die from cancer and not of old age. Sadness- that he is not here physically with us any more. Sad that there was not more "time" to go walking, to "go to the garage" to go out side, to have another night of bed time rituals. Sadness that I couldnt do more for him. Sadness that when our daily rain storms come he is not seeking refuge under my feet. Sadness that life is going to go on with out him. Shame - that my denial to see how physically bad he truly was and how much he was truly suffering, ashamed that that I let him suffer so long , i only wanted to see hiss love, his bravery , strength to hold on for me and not see his pain....all because I was selfish and I was afraid to let him go. Numbness- the pain of losing him and him not being here has made me numb. The numbness is not allowing me to let go.Numb to opening my heart up again. The numbness that is not allowing myself to get too too close to Ninnie and Shaft.
I am torn between 1. being glad he's out of pain , at peace and 2. question God why he took him from me at such a young age.
One minute I tell myself that we did what was right for him as he was in pain , pain that until the last few days he did not want us to see, pain that made my strong stoic boy frail and weak. I tell myself that he is no longer in pain and we did "right " by him by letting him go.
Then the next mintue I am crying and missing him terriably. I tell myself that I let him linger too long in such pain. How selfish I was for being in such deep denial and how selfish I was to try cling to him and to keep him here.
Then I pull myself together and tell myself that we gave him peace from all his pain, gave him a good and loving home. That he knew we loved him and that he was the light of our lives. That he knew his purpose was to be our companion and protector.
I am thankful that he came into our lives and that he left willing and quietly with such grace and dignity.
I need to some how pull myself out of this dark space and continue to live with as much honor, grace and dignity as he did . ... to honor his life by living and remembering all the good times and how much love and happiness he brought into our lives and the lives of many others.
A gentleman always knows when it is time to leave.
I knew this week would be the last week we would have with our beloved Brutus.
Yesterday he was having a REALLY BAD DAY. His tumor had gotten so much bigger in such a few days. He was sleeping more than being awake. He was still eating but he wasnt drinking. He had life in him but a very diminshed life. He was being very brave.
Yesterday day , I took him to the Vet. He was running a very high fever and he exhibiting signs of being in severe pain. Our vet advised us to take him home for the night to spend one last night with him as it is time to say good bye. We set the "last appointment" for 9:30am the next morning. Saying good bye at our house was no longer an option due to the fevers. I again begged God for the miracle that he so deserved. To either save him from this horrible cancer or to at least let him leave us peacefully in his sleep at home and not in vets office in which he was sometimes afraid at .
When we got home, I gave Brutus the prednisone that his Doctor had given us and I wet him down from head to toe and paced him on the couch with a cool wet blanket trying in vain to bring his temperture down.(see below). I didnt care that my couch was being ruined by the water. I hand feed him water cupped in my hands. He drank a whole bowl plus he was continuously licking the soaked wet towels that I had wrapped around his wrists. Due to his body heat the towels were dry in no time and I had to douse them over and over in my vain efforts to keep him at a lower temperature. The cancer was over taking his body and the fevers were a definate enemy. The picture below says it all. He had never hung over the couch in such a manner before this night.
Brutus' last night (feeling really bad)
He was on and off very listless and he finally went to lay down him his room. He barely licked the lotion off my hands as he did every night since he was a puppy. I noticed that his good leg was laying on top of the tumor and when I moved his leg to place a pillow between the legs I was forced to comes to grips with this big ugly thing on his leg and how this tumor was eating away my dogs body and spirit. I laid down at the foot of the bed with him and held him tight. I prayed once more but I knew right then and there that Brutus' miracle would not come and tomorrow I would have to thank him for being so brave and then help him out of all his suffering. I believe that I cried myself to sleep.
Sept 16th 7:30am
He woke up at about 7:30 am , and seemed to be better. His fever had subsided somewhat yet the tumor was very hot to the touch . He went outside to do his buisness and I hand feed him some more water.
My Son Brian, his wife and the 3 grandboys came over around 8:00 am.The G-boys didnt know it was Brutus' last day and we didnt tell them. We want them to only have untainted memories of Bru. Brutus got up and did his "protection bark" and once he saw the kids he did his licking routine and then went to lay down by one of his favorite spots by the door. Another sign that he was leaving us, as even a a few weeks ago you couldnt keep Bru off the grandbabies and his super duper happy tail was something the kids tried desparately to stay away from as they would go home with brusies.
The G-boys helped me feed Brutus his usual Meatballs and wet food and he ate it very well.
I was thinking to myself that it seems that dogs always get better or act better the day you decide you need to let them go. My husband says it the same with humans... that we feel bad but when we see the doctor usually we dont feel bad anymore .
Brutus' last picture, even though he could barely stand he went outside to say one last good bye to his G boys
During the G-boys visit Brutus was in and out of sleep. He did get up to go outside with the G-boys when they were leaving . It felt like he couldnt let them down. That he had to be strong and proud for them. As soon as the G-boys left, he went back into the house and laid down for the last few times on his pile of pillows and blankies that have been in the middle of the living room the past 4 months.
9:00AM
Brutus was resting on his pile of blankies when he all of a sudden he jumped up and started barking at the door. It was my best friend Debbie. Once he saw her, he gave her a Quick lick or two and he headed back to the pillow pile. Debbie had come to help us say good bye and to just be there for Bru if need be.
Debbie and Bru at the Park June 2011
9:10AM
While Bru was lying on "His Pile" he started whining and started staring out toward the front door. He whined and bark that sounded very much like a " semi- protection" whine. He was staring intently at the front door so I asked him if he wanted to go outside. He got up and went out the front door to the drive way and just stared at it . Looking like he was searching or expecting to find something. He was still whining a little bit. A few seconds later I heard the sound of a base booming car and then out of no where I saw my son Brian driving towards our house. Brutus was doing a happy whine. It was as if he knew Brian was coming and that he had to get to him...his boy came back for him.
Brian and Brutus 2005
I will never forget it.. as Brian was getting out of the car Brutus wobbled over to him. DOGS KNOW.
Brian had come back as he said he had to help us say good-bye and after all it was he and his father who had picked Brutus out of the litter and Brian helped his Dad pay for him . He felt since he was there in the beginning that it only be fitting that he be with him in the end.
Brutus came back into the house and laid back down oh his pile for the last time
9:30AM
It was time for us to leave but my husband was stalling. He didnt want to do it. He kept saying "its whats best for Bubba".. if it was up to him he would keep him until he died as home. He was battling him self. but he eventually got up off the couch and we started our way on Brutus' final car ride.
9:45ish
We arrived at the Vets office and Bru was in semi good spirits but you can tell he was oh so tired. When the nurse called us into the room, I placed Brutus' favorite blanket and pillow on the ground and he promptly laid down on them with out me having to ask. It was like he knew. He wasnt afraid. He laid down like he knew what was going on and he was ready and it was ok. He looked so frail and weak. My son and husband were loving on him but they couldnt handle it and had to leave. So my best Friend Debbie came in to help me say goodbye. I layed down next to Boo in a spooning position and held him him tight. I told him how much I loved him and how much he will be missed. The nurse came in and gave him his sedative as we both layed on the ground together. He only slightly reacted to the injection. I started to cry . He layed his head back in my arms and didnt fight it. As if he was saying "its ok Mommy and thank you" for releiving him of this pain and suffering . I was crying even harder. I made sure that my face was what he saw, the last vision he saw before he was gone. I breathed him in and stroked his beautiful reddish orange and white hair. I kissed his pink nose. I was telling him how brave he was , how much I loved him, will miss him, thanked him for all the lessons and blessing he gave us. The doctor came in and kindly waited for me to say ok. By this time even though Brutus' eyes were still open he was snoring. I knew he was sedated really good and I gave the doc the ok. This is where I began to lose it as I knew this was the end. Still laying next to him ,I held him so close to me and kept telling him that I loved him. I felt his last heart beat and him take his last breath. I felt his body go limp. I felt the Doc putting the stethoscope to his chest and then I totally lost it. HE WAS GONE. MY BRU WAS FOREVER GONE . I felt like I was screaming for him to come back. I cried uncontrollably as I buried my head into the side of his head. Debbie was trying her best to console me. There was no consoling me. This was an unbareable pain. After a few mintues ,when I couldnt breath from crying so hard I looked up and saw the Doc's eyes and they were watering. I knew Brutus was gone and sat up to catch my breath. Finally I got up to tell my husband and son that he was gone and they went into the room to see him as I asked the nurse if I could have some shavings of Brutus' hair. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping but I knew that he was forever gone from this world.
Faithful Friends Pet Cremation had 2 lovely ladies who came to pick Brutus up and I couldnt have asked for better. They came in to the room prior to Brutus being sedated and loved on him and blessed him , even though they never had met him before. They were the top of professionals. They were so respectful and caring of his body and was so gentle with him. They genlty wrapped Brutus up to his nose in his blankie with his blue doll baby and placed him on the stretcher. My husband and son carried him out to the awaiting company car. We said our final good byes and I kissed his pink nose one last time . The lovely ladies promised me that they would take great care of him and in my heart I knew he was in good hands. This helped make it easier to let him go.
Brutus passed away peacefully in my arms. Such bittersweet and precious moments. Even though I wasnt ready, he was ....HE WAS NOT AFRAID. He knew it was his time to go. He passed away with the same GRACE AND DIGNITY AS HE LIVED. A gentleman always knows when it is time to leave.
********* Deep down we somehow always knew that this journey would end. We knew that if we gave our hearts they would be broken. But give them we must for it is all they ask in return. When the time comes, and the road curves ahead to a place we cannot see, we give one final gift and let them run on ahead, young and whole once more. "God speed, good friend," we say, until our journey comes full circle and our paths cross again. -- Author Unknown
9:15 AM
Brutus is leaving us. He no longer sucks on his beloved pillow or blankets. When some one comes to the door he does not runs to the door to do "Protection Duty". He half barks 1/2 howl/whines as if he wants to get up from his spot but just doesnt have the engery to do so or that it hurts too much . I sure do miss that loud strong bark of his. He has not played or chewed on his squeeky blue doll baby in a few days. He will get up to go out side but only want to be there for a few moments. He did go out side to eat some grass. I have always thought he was a half dog half cow. He did eat last night and drank some water from his bowl last night but I had to help him drink when I first got home. He rarely sleeps under my blanket anymore.
I told Brutus last night that it was ok for him to leave , that he has been very brave but it is ok to let go and not to stay just because I have been begging God to help him, that I will be ok. That I will miss him terriably but he needed to be strong enough to let go. I told him what a wonderful boy he has been and I thanked him for being such a wonderful light in my live. That no other dog will or could ever take his place. I promised to take care of Ninnie for him. I promised to take care of Daddy for him.
To please let go and be at peace. He lifted his head , licked my face and layed his head back down.
I woke quite a few times last night to hear him quietly and very slowly breathing.
This morning before I left for work he did not get out of bed or hold his head up to say good bye . I kissed him on his head and told him I will see him when I get home.
9:36 am
I am semi smiling as I am thinking about how Brutus used to bark at me from my bed at "his" bedtime as if to say .."Hey Lady , its time for bed ..where are you?" .. his bark was "whoat, whoat" as if he was saying RIGHT NOW. Sweet memories ..
10:07 AM It is 10:07 and I am at work but obviously not working ..or at least not effectively. My mind keeps wondering off to my sweet boy. I have to write down all the little things that pop into my mind whether it be big, small, happy, sad as everything is meaningful right now.
It popped in my mind that I was blessed to be able to have been out of work for 6 weeks on sick leave from July15th to Aug 26th. It was a very emotional time. A lot of the emotion and soul searching spent during this time it had to do a lot with Brutus and the community that surrounds him. I was blessed to be able to spend so much time with him. Just watching him and enjoying him. I was able take in everything that is Brutus. His smells, his eating habits, his sleep patterns, his favorite sleep spots , his barks, his play time ect . Things that I never really took time to see before. Small Moments that were always taken for granted,
He was by my side practically the whole time. Not too many owners can say they were able to spend this much one on one time with any one moreless a beloved pet. Those 6 weeks were a blessing in disquise for both Brutus and I ... I am thankful......ok now back to work, or at least try to pretend my mind is on my work and not on my sweet boy who is most assuringly laying in bed at home and wondering where I am or when I will get home.
5:55 PM
Brutus was laying on his blankies and pillows in the living room when I got home at 4pm . He didnt get up to greet me but his tail did thump. I immediately went to him and started loving on him. I had to get up to put my purse away and he started whining. Mind you Brutus has never been a whiner..ever.....so I immediately came back to him and stared rubbing under his neck and I could feel the bones in his lower jaw. This young 8 year old boy looks like he is 15 years old. After a few mintues he got up and went into his room as if he had been waiting for me to get home before he could rest in our bed. I watch him jump up on the bed and has been there since.
My Husband , who is home during the day says that he tried to feed him this morning but he didnt want to eat , not even from his hand ( oh no another sign of him letting go) however he did eat his meatball with his pain meds. He did get up to around 3pm and ate his food in his bowl but not all.
My poor boy... Bru..you are so loved and because we love you ..we will soon be letting you go.....but if you need to go before you have my permission and love to leave. . You can let go my precious boy. Mommy Loves you!!
SEPT 15th Brutus did not sleep under the covers again. As I get ready for work this morning , he just watched me, still laying on my bed. I kissed his head and told him I would see him when I got home
I went to work and came home at 4:00pm. He was laying on the couch in the living room and he jumped up to see me but fell when his feet hit the ground but he immediately got up and gave me my loving ...then he headed to his room. Again, it was if he was waiting for me to get home.
Around 5:30pm, I took Bru to the vet because we needed to get his weight for the upcoming "goodbye" that was scheduled for Saturday Sept 17th at 1:30pm . Our vet agreed to come to our house, which is something he perfers not to do but since he has known Brutus since he was a young pup, he agreed to do it for Bru. To let him go in peace , comfort and quiet of his own home surrounded by his loved ones.
Brutus struggled to walk into the vets office but his pride was showing and he managed. At this point I was really seeing my boy and how much he is suffereing. In the light of the vets office, he looked very frail and tired. As we were weighing him (66.6 lbs..he gain 6 lbs probably from the tumor) the vet saw him and came over to give Bru some love. The vet commented on how "hot to the touch" Brutus felt and immediately took him into a exam room to get his temperature. His temperature was 'extremely high" and he told me that Brutus is in a lot pain and his recommendations was to "not to wait anymore and to let him go today". I panicked and started crying but I knew what he was saying was right. I told him that I had to go home and get my husband and call the Cremation company.
I left Bru with the vet as I went hysterically home to get my husband. My husband was also in a state of shocked but knew too it was time to say good bye. I called the Cremation company but he was in route to another pick up and it would be at least an hour or so before he could get there.
When we got back to the vets office, we found Dr Abadia on the floor in the mid front office waiting area with Brutus who seemed very relaxed and he didnt even get up when he saw us. It touched me to see Dr Abadia giving him gentle love and attention. I told the vet that they couldnt get there for a while and unfortunately the Vet needed to close his office and couldnt wait. We understood . He offered us to give Bru some meds for the fever , to take Brutus home to spend one last night with him and to bring him in the morning to let him go. . Due to the fevers the home visit was no longer available and we also didnt want to put him through another 24 hours for an after hours visit.So we scheduled Brutus for an in office visit for 9:30 the next morning. So the beginning of Brutus truly leaving us had started and again I begged God to let Brutus go peacefully in his slept at home amoung his loved ones.
If it should be I grow frail and weak and pain prevents my peaceful sleep Then you must do what must be done when this battle can't be won
You will be sad, I understand., Selfishness might stay your hand.
But on this day, more than the rest,Your love and friendship take the test We've had so many happy years
